Tread That Fine Line
by nevereatdirt
Summary: Your name is Kankri Vantas and a sudden realization has hit you.
1. Chapter 1

Your last class of the day has some of your favorite students. They're respectful and tend to actually _listen_ when you speak. But it also houses one of your least favorites. He's loud. He's aggressive. He knows how to challenge you with everything and he even knows how to make you _yell_, which is something that you are loathe to do in front of your students.

It's purely infuriating how much he gets under your skin. Though you know that he's had the most practice. He _is _your little brother, after all. Your parents had told you to watch over him at school and to make sure that he doesn't get into trouble, because you all know that some of his friends aren't exactly what you'd call _good_ people. Now that he's in your class it's infinitely easier to watch him from your desk. You've given them the period to read today and it gives you time to just _watch_.

He has darker skin that you do, a fact that has never bothered you as you tend to feel that being tan is a waste of your own time. But not other people's, that's obviously their choice even if it gives them cancer. But you also feel like you've been burdened with more privilege than he as you are immensely white-passing despite your Persian heritage and that means that you should use it for _good_. But his hair and eyes are the same color of yours. An inky black and a shocking sea green that you know comes from your mother's side, and it seems to suit both of you.

The biggest difference between the two of you is the way you hold yourselves. He's hunch and angry looking with a heavy brow and an intent glare at anyone he deems too unintelligent to be in his presence. Or anyone he deems too intelligent to be in it either. But the intensity of his gaze is something that's always fascinated you. Even when he was young his gaze would fix on things with genuine interest. Now he would call it genuine _hate_, but that level is still there.

He reads in the same way. A thick book that you assumed was loaned to him by one of the Captor twins is in his hands and his brow is furrowed while his eyes scan the pages. A few times you see him raise them in surprise and that makes you feel so wonderfully happy.

But before you have much time to think on it, the bell has rung and class has come to an end. Everyone scurries from the room after gathering their things and you decide that, for once, you'll let them go without homework for the weekend. You gather your own things and leave the room, walking past your brother's locker just to see him talking to his friends.

A twang of jealousy runs through you and you push it down as you hurry past them. It isn't right to feel that way when you see your brother talking to people. You honestly aren't even sure if you're jealous that he has friends like that or that his friends get to talk to him like that.

As you slide into your car, your text alert sounds and you reach into your pocket to check it. It's from your brother.

_HEY ASS PONY, CAPTOR BAILED ON ME TODAY. CAN YOU DO ME A SOLID AND GIVE ME A RIDE HOME?_

You roll your eyes at his wording, but you could never really say no to him.

_9f c9urse I can, Karkat. Y9u'll have to hurry 9ut here, th9ugh. I was actually just getting ready t9 leave and y9u kn9w h9w I detest running 6ehind schedule._

_BEHIND SCHEDULE FOR *WHAT* EXACTLY? IT'S THE FUCKING WEEKEND, BRO, CHILL OUT FOR ONCE._

_N9 I will n9t "chill 9ut" and y9u will get 9ut here right n9w._

_FINE. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT YOUR THE WORST. COMPLETE WORST._

_*Y9u're._

_FUCK YOU AND YOUR GRAMMAR!_

You hear a solid _thwump_ against your passenger side window and Karkat is glaring at you with his middle finger raised. You roll the window down and his reaction is almost immediate. "Seriously, Kankri? What the fuck." He reaches in and unlocks your door so that he can get inside and slam it shut.

You just roll your eyes as you drive out of the lot, being sure to obey all of the traffic laws as you do. After a few minutes in near-silence, the only sound being the soft sound of a Best of Queen tape you'd found in your car, you clear your throat. "So, Karkat. How have your classes been so far this semester?" You drum your fingers against the steering wheel as you sit at a set of stop lights.

"Dude it's been like two weeks the semester's been fucking cold and horrible." You hear him shifting and can see from the corner of your eye that he's crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm not sure how _horrible_ it could be. I know that _I_ certainly haven't given you anything difficult. Especially not for someone at your level of writing." Vulgar as he may be, Karkat has always had a knack for writing papers and stringing analogies together.

"Oh yeah? Well you've assigned two fucking papers and reading already. My other teachers have pretty much done the same fucking thing. Guess where that leaves me? In the land of fucking cold and horrible." You hear him huff as you make the turn toward your childhood home.

"I'm terribly sorry that the district requires us to give you that work, Karkat, but I'm afraid that I can't control it. You know that you can ask me for help proof reading your papers if you need it, though."

"I don't need your goddamn help I can do it myself..." You can hear the pout in his voice and it makes you smile just a little.

"All right, Karkat, I'll let you do it yourself." You pull into your driveway and stop the car. May as well say hello to your father before heading back to your apartment.

Inside, the heating is turned up to a near unbearable level and your father sits on the floor of the living room reading. With a few exchanged pleasantries and an invitation to dinner tomorrow, the conversation goes quickly. You say your goodbyes and go back out to your car to take the drive back to your place.

Once in the door, you toss your bag to the side and slip off your shoes before going to your room, stripping off your clothes, and laying down for a nap.

As per usual, though, you can't seem to lull yourself to sleep without resorting to... _drastic_ measures. With a sigh you close your eyes and reach your hand down. Typical fantasies move through your mind. Simple things, just to increase your arousal. But then you see them.

Sea green eyes with a gaze so intense it makes you shiver.

And soon it goes from just eyes to a face with full lips and a nose not entirely unlike your own. You can feel the lips against you and moving down your neck and chest before pressing kisses and sucking lightly at your base. With this image in your head, it doesn't take you long to come and tiredness overtakes you before you fully realize what you'd just fantasized over.

Or rather _who_ you'd just fantasized over.

With a few quick wipes with a tissue from your bedside table, you clean up your mess and toss it into the trash. A long yawn escapes your lips and you quickly fall to sleep. Your fantasy is going to have to wait until you wake up, because your brain is far too fuzzy to think about anything.

Let alone your incestuous fantasies.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake from your nap to the sound of someone knocking on your door. You sit in a groggy stupor for a few moments before realizing that, yes, you should probably answer that. With a sigh, you stretch and crack your neck as another knock sounds. You move as quickly as you can while you dress and call out to whomever is there. "I'm coming!" You run to the door and open it.

Cronus stands there, a smirk on his face. "Coming, huh? Never thought I'd hear you say that." He ruffles your hair as he comes into the room, pulling off his heavy leather jacket before sitting on your couch,

"Cronus what are you doing here? You said you weren't going to be here until six!"

He leans back, making himself comfortable and you just pout at him. "Chief it's like six thirty already. I was actually starting to get worried."

You gasp softly, sitting next to him. "I am so terribly sorry! I didn't mean to worry you I was just.."

"Don't you worry about it, yeah? I was late anyway so it worked out." He gives you a light shove and a grin. "But what's got you so flustered, huh? You look like there's something on your mind."

You run your thumb over your lower lip as you think. "I'm... Not sure if I want to tell you. Or anyone really."

"Babe." He tilts his head toward you and just gives you a _look_. "It's me. You think I'd judge you?"

You furrow your brow and frown. "Yes. I do think you'd judge me."

He rolls his eyes and leans on your shoulder. "I won't fucking judge you, chief. You don't judge me for my shit yeah? So I won't judge you for yours."

His weight against you is reassuring, and though this is a far cry from what the two of you had planned for the night, it feels like something that you need. "You know that I've mentioned certain... _fantasies_ before, yes?"

He snorts. "Yeah, babe, you talk like a crazy ton about jerking off for someone that's supposed to be celibate."

You give him a soft punch to the shoulder. "Shoosh. You know what I _mean_ though!"

"Yeah, yeah. It's always someone with your eyes ain't it?"

"Isn't." You correct him, not even acknowledging how right he was. "Ain't is uncouth."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, chief. Stop changing the subject."

You wring your hands as your stomach tightens. "Fine." With a rough swallow, you steel your nerves before whispering. "It's Karkat."

He scratches the back of his head. "No shit?" You feel him as he shifts and his other arm moves around your shoulders. "Well fuck, babe, I mean... That kinda shit happens don't it?"

"I'm... Not entirely sure if it does." You shake your head. "It can't can it? If it did then more people would talk about it... Wouldn't they?"

"I don't think so, babe. Incest ain't exactly a thing most people are cool with." You look up at him as he tilts his head back. "Can I be frank here?"

"Of course."

"I know for a fact that you ain't the only one that feels that way about your bro. I mean for fuck's sake you know me and Danny have made out a few times. Even when we were sober." He pinches the bridge of his nose as he speaks. "But that don't mean that people ain't gonna be weird about it... And I don't even know if Karkat would be _up_ for something like that with you..."

"Don't you think I _know _that, Cronus? He hates me and I know that, but I just don't want to accept that. I know that he'll never want what I want that he'll never give me anything like that... Not even just a kiss."

"I get that, Kanny. Me and Danny got an agreement that we don't move past making out if we do." He sighs as he leans back. "Sometimes I wanna do more too, though."

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?"

"Fuck, you got that right, babe." He gives your shoulder a squeeze with a good-natured grin. "But, uh, I bet we could do something about both our problems."

You furrow your brow, unsure if you like where this is going. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, like. We're friends, yeah? We done stuff with each other before. As _friends_. Who's to say that we can't help each other out with this?" He shifts closer to you. "And I mean... It's not like you don't want that, right?"

You squirm a little in your seat, knowing what it is he's suggesting. "I... I do want that. But, Cronus, I don't want that with _you_ I want that with _him_."

"And he's not here now is he?" He raises his eyebrows. "And you can just sit back and close your eyes. You don't even have to think about me being here." He licks his lower lip and you're suddenly immensely aware of the fact that most people don't like him because he's _pushy_ and can't seem to take no for an answer. And that he could easily overpower you.

"Cronus I don't like the sound of that. I... I don't want to have sex with you." You look away from him, face flushed darkly as you feel your entire body tense.

"Babe you don't gotta fuck me. I mean... I was just thinking that I could just like, you know, suck you off." He grins down at you.

"I... I feel like there's something that you're not telling me. What do you get out of this?"

He shrugs. "I like sucking cock and you need some fucking release." He tilts his head. "Ain't like we haven't done this kinda shit before, what's so different now?"

You roll your eyes and tilt your head back. "_Fine_. But if I tell you to _stop_ you stop."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He ruffles your hair and slides down to the floor between your legs. But you don't look down at him. You don't _want_ to look down at him this time. He has the same kind of intense gaze but his eyes are too blue and his skin is too pale. So you keep your eyes closed and listen as he unzips your jeans.

It doesn't take long for you to get lost in fantasy. With the heat from his lips and tongue against your boxers you can imagine Karkat in his place. A tentative brush of his lips on the fabric and a hand pulling it down. The warmth of his mouth and soft lips envelops your tip forcing you to let out a breathy moan.

You can see his startling eyes gazing up at you and his eyebrows are pulled into a questioning posture, as if he's asking if he's doing all right. Without thinking you twine your fingers in his hair and are a little shocked at the thick, heavy feeling of gel in his hair. But you just give his hair a rough tug as he moves down, encouraging him to keep moving.

One of his hands holds your thigh as the other holds your base and the pleasure is enough to make you want to scream. Just feeling that heat and gentle lapping against such sensitive skin makes you buck your hips into it, though you hear a gagging sound. You brush his hair back and peek down at him, half expecting to see your little brother. But Cronus is still there, pouting at you from between your legs as he rests his cheek against your thigh.

"Why'd you move your hips, you know I don't like that..."

You sigh and lean back, disgusted with yourself. "Sorry, Cronus, I... I lost myself."

He presses a kiss to your thigh and you can feel him moving back to keep going, but you take it upon yourself to stop him. "Babe?"

"No. This isn't right." You put your hands over your face. "I can't do this anymore."

The pressure from his hands leaves you and you feel him sit back on the couch after he tucks you back into your jeans. "Hey, that's cool... I mean like I'm pretty disappointed by that, but I'm a big boy. I can live with this." He rests his head on your shoulder. "We can still make out though, right?"

You let out another exasperated sigh. "Cronus. That's not what friends _do_."

"You know we're more than friends, chief."

"No, Cronus. We're friends. And, as my dear friend, would you kindly get us something to drink from my fridge?"

He laughs softly to himself and presses a kiss to the back of your hand closet to him. "Sure thing." He gets up and you slump back more.

"And stop doing things like that..."

He comes back with two bottles, opening them as he sits. "Like what?"

"Like kissing me. I just told you that our little... _arrangement_ is done."

He sets one of the bottles down on the coffee table in front of you and pouts as he takes a sip from his own. "Don't that seem like something I should get a say in?"

You sit up and grab your drink. "Cronus." You give him a stern look. "_No_ means _no._ As you are so very well aware of."

He takes another drink and sits in silence for a moment, peeling the paper of it back. "Yeah... But why?"

"Because I can't get _him_ out of my head."

"Oh." He swallows. "Guess you were super serious about that then? Like... How you feel about your bro."

"Yes, Cronus. I am serious about that and I'm sorry that I ended it like this. But you're still my best friend and I hope that you don't hold this against me."

He shrugs weakly. "Yeah, I mean, like... You know that our shit wasn't gonna pan out none. I mean a hopelessly romantic musician and a relatively celibate teacher? That shit never lasts." He ruffles your hair with a grin. "Sounds like something my bro would write don't it?"

You roll your eyes. "Ah, yes. It most certainly sounds like something written by someone with a hopeful outlook on life..." You give a deep sigh. "And my life sounds like something written by a cruel god with a terrible sense of humor."

"I'll drink to that." The two of you clink your bottles together and each take a sip.

With the bitter taste of beer on your lips, you have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be long.


	3. Chapter 3

Your day with Cronus goes by faster than you'd like. He's a good friend to have around, even if he does get _grabby_ when he's drinking. But you know that both of you are interested in other people and you just don't think that it's right to do this anymore. Nevertheless, you let him stay the night. On the couch this time. Not in your bed. Not after all that work to tell him that that part of your relationship was over.

He seems to understand and, when he leaves in the morning, the only thing you're a little upset about is that he gives your cheek a soft kiss. But that's just him, you tell yourself. Always pushing his boundaries and seeing what people will let him do. He's still your best friend, though.

Once he's gone, you check the time and see that you have just over an hour to get ready and go to your father's to help him with dinner. He'll need the help, after all.

And it gives you a chance to see your brother.

With the latter thought in mind, you ready yourself quickly, being sure to still groom yourself properly. Being in a hurry is no excuse to be _dirty _after all. Unless one has no way of cleaning. Being clean is a privilege as you're well aware. But you get clean, fully aware of this privilege, and make your way to your father's house with plenty of time to spare. Not to mention a particularly giddy spring in your step as you get to see your brother. Especially on a day that's _not _a school day.

The trip to his house proves uneventful, save for humming some Best of Queen on the way there. You roll into the driveway and park, steeling yourself for the day. Once inside, you pull off your shoes and make your way to the kitchen, where your father is hard at work on the food. He shoos you out of the kitchen, as per usual, and you instead go to the living room to sit next to your curmudgeonly younger brother, who is of course doing what he does best: yelling at children on the internet.

When you sit next to him, he just gives you this angry glare that you have to control yourself to not smile at. He's just so _silly_ when he's upset like this, but you know that he'd yell if you laughed or smiled. This fact doesn't get him out of your mind, though. Honestly you think that nothing will anymore. He's just always _there_.

Instead you stare at the blank television and try to ignore the fact that he is _actually_ yelling. Not that the kids can hear him. He doesn't even have a headset on. But he still finds the power in him to yell at them like they_ can_. And you would honestly find that repugnant were he anyone else. But he isn't.

So you carry about your business, checking your phone and staying silent for as long as you can. It really is just so _difficult_ when he starts to use such triggering language even without anyone actually around to hear, so you come to your breaking point and begin to lecture him.

No. Not lecture, you _chastise_ him. You make a little mental note for the differentiation as you speak to him and he just stares at you, dumbfounded. And that's how you know that he isn't paying any attention. But for some reason you like it when he at least _looks_ at you. It tells you that at least his visual attention is yours and that's more than you could really ever ask for with him. Just as you reach your most pressing argument he raises his hands and puts them on your shoulders, head hung.

"Kankri. For fuck's sake. You tell me this every goddamn time you come over and hear me yelling at _my fucking computer_." He looks up at you, gaze daring you to interrupt him. "I fucking got it the first two million times, you don't have to keep telling me." He shoves you lightly and you stumble back. He may be just a little shorter than you, but he's definitely the bulkier of the two of you.

After you right yourself, you just stare back at him, eyebrows furrowed and mouth set into a line. You may love him, but you'll be _damned_ if you let him shove you around. "Karkat, it's not just that you're yelling _at your computer_, it's that you're using that kind of language at all! In fact, the words that you use are incredibly offensive and triggering to some people and I think that you should refrain from using them even in the privacy of your home!"

He gives you an exaggerated eye roll and crosses his arms over your chest in a way that you know is a direct mockery of the way you stand. "Well fuck _you_ very much, shit nut. You're not the boss of me and you can just take your bullshit out to the kitchen and talk with dad about it because he's gives a flying fuck!"

You huff at him and get in his face. You know how much he hates that and it's just why you stand over him like this. "Let's see how well you fair in the real world, Karkat. Go ahead." You narrow your eyes before giving him a light push and walking away. You usually never resort to those measures, but he never _listens_ when you chastise him. He just acts like a foulmouthed, spoiled brat.

It makes you wonder what happened to him sometimes.

But as you go upstairs to your old room to flop onto the bed and mope, you can hear footsteps following after you. Choosing to ignore them, you stare at your ceiling for a few moments until you feel a weight settling next to you on the bed. With a turn of your head, you see your father and smile at him just a little. "Hi, dad."

He smiles down at you and tilts his head. "Is everything all right? I heard you and your brother fighting again."

You sigh and cover your face. "Everything's fine. It was just more of the usual with him."

You can feel him shift his weight. "You know how he is. Maybe the two of you should spend more time together again. I think that he just misses you." He laughs a little and ruffles your hair. You _hate_ when he does that, but you'd never complain. After all, some people don't _have_ father's to ruffle their hair.

"I think that he's just grown into a man with no respect for anyone including his elder brother."

"Don't be that way, Kankri. How about tomorrow he goes over to your house and you can help him with some of his papers for his other classes. I bet that some brotherly bonding would be good for the two of you."

You uncover you face and can't help but to have an internal dilemma. If he were to come over tomorrow then you'd have the whole day to just the two of you. And the two of you could... No. That's absurd that would never happen and you know it. "Perhaps."

He gives you a concerned smile. "Kankri, relax a little. You're going to make yourself sick." With another ruffle of your head, he gets off the bed and starts to leave, but turns back to you first. "Dinner is going to be ready in a few minutes if you want to come down and help set the table." And with that he takes his leave and you try to decide what it is you should do.

Setting your resolve, you make up your mind and go down to help. It doesn't take long with all three of you and, as always, the food is delicious. As you eat your father decides to tell Karkat that you'll be helping him with his papers regardless of what you have to say. Your brother, of course, takes this as a challenge and decides to fight with your father over this. But he's a sensible man and stays calm through the whole thing.

So it's been decided. Starting tomorrow, you'll be helping Karkat every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday with his school papers.

You aren't sure how this is going to go, but you have an auspicious feeling about it.


	4. Chapter 4

You leave your father's house soon after your dinner and sit in your car with your head against the steering wheel. How could this happen? _Why_ would this happen? Logically you know that nothing will happen. But you've spent enough time with Cronus over the years to take a few pages from his book, so to speak.

He'd say something like "a man can dream can't he" and throw in some crass line about your brother's posterior. And he might have implied something about being a proxy, though…

If anything _were_ to happen… Who would be there to pick up the pieces? Would Karkat ever actually even talk to you again or would he just find more reasons to avoid you?

You don't want to be thinking about this but you can't stop. You need to talk to someone about this_seriously_ and like an adult. Cronus is good at consoling you, or at least humoring you. But you need someone who's going to give you advice, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You hope that she doesn't just think that you're a fool, even though you know that you are.

So as you drive down the road, you pull out your phone and call her to talk. Just for a little.

But you can't bring yourself to let the call go through. You don't _want_ advice. You want Karkat. And even though you know that the chances of that ever happening are lower than the chance of being struck by lightning (twice… and then winning the lottery), you still want him.

As you pull into your driveway, the possibilities if how things are going to go fill your head, and this lets you know that you need to stop thinking for a little while. Or at least think about something _else_. With this in mind, you sit at you computer and blog until you go to bed, mind as clear as you could manage to get it.

The first day of your tutoring goes about as well as you expect. He refuses to listen and just calls you incredibly rude names, neither of which went against your expectations. But at some point you manage to see him _smile_ and it fills you with more joy than entirely appropriate.

When you drive him home, he texts the whole time and it makes you feel a little deflated.

Every time he comes over in the next two weeks it goes in much the same way, though he rarely smiles again. But the third week is when things start to change. He's talking to you more in class. He's not calling you horrible names. It's almost as if something has put him into a cheerful mood and you can't help but to be a little jealous of what or _who_ it is that has him so cheerful.

And with Friday upon you, the two of you head for your apartment. The Best of Queen plays in the background while the two of you sit in silence otherwise. You try to concentrate on the road, but find yourself glancing over at him as he smiles at his phone. You clear your throat pointedly and look back to traffic. "So, Karkat."

He looks up at you, eyebrows raised. "What?"

"You've been rather _chipper_ lately. Has something good happened?"

He laughs nervously and ducks his head. It's just such an impossibly _cute_ thing for him to do and you have to bite the inside of your lip to keep from thinking about it too hard. "Well yeah, actually." He looks up and his brow is furrowed with his frown back in place. "But it's none of your fucking business."

You roll your eyes. "Karkat I'm your older brother. You whole _life_ is my business." You purse your lips a little, raising your eyebrows.

"Oh _fuck_ you!" He gives your arm a shove and you know from the weakness of it that he's not looking for a fight for once.

You sigh and just give him a look when you pull into your parking spot. "You're dating someone again, aren't you?"

He just looks out the window and returns your sigh with one of his own. "Maybe."

You smile a little because it really is too much fun trying to pry who it is out of your brother. "Oh?" You turn off the car and the two of you head to your building. "And do I know this mystery significant other?"

"Yeah, asshole, you've met them before. For fuck's sake you teach freshman English too you probably know more people in the school than I do!" He sticks his tongue out at you and you just laugh under your breath.

"All right, then." You hum, thinking to yourself. "Have you dated them before?"

You can hear him making that sound like he's trying to cough up a hairball and you know that he must be rolling his eyes. "Yes we have, you insensitive, prying ass licker."

You grimace at him before taking out your keys to unlock your door. "So then it's… Terezi or Sollux, right?" You raise your eyebrows, waiting for him to respond.

"Yeah." He rubs the back of his neck. "Sollux this time." You can see the weak smile on his lips and you've seen it before. He always has this look when he's dating someone. And he and Sollux have been in a will-they-won't-they situation since they'd started high school.

You were proud of your brother for being so open about his own sexuality, but you couldn't for the life of you help being jealous. "Congratulations." You move into the apartment and strip out of your coat and shoes before going to your room and donning more casual wear. You come out and grab a beer out of your fridge. You feel like you really need one today and, as you sit down, Karkat just gives you a _look_. "What?"

"I didn't know you drink."

You return his look. "Karkat, I'm twenty-four. I may be relatively chaste in relationships, but that doesn't mean that beer is against any of my codes of living. However, I am aware that it is against other people's and that—"

"Dude shut the fuck up." He pushes you over as he sits next to you on the couch. With a glance to his phone he lets out another sigh but this one is followed by a grimace.

"Something wrong?"

"What? Oh, uh, Sollux just blew me off to hang out with Megido."

"Aradia?" You tilt your head, trying to stay in the loop of his friends.

"Yeah…" He pulls his biology textbook out of his bag and just stares at the cover

"You think that something…?"

"Of course I think that something is going on!" He turns to you, rage in his face and tears in his eyes. "Sollux is a fucking whore and I know it. Why the fuck would I take him back _again_ after that shit that went down last time?"

You sigh and just watch him. You know better than trying to touch him when he's like this. "Karkat, he's probably just studying with her."

"Studying? _Studying_? No. He's probably fucking her right now. I knew that I should have said no. This is what he fucking _does_." He lets out an unintelligible shriek and just fists his hands in his hair. "It's like he has no fucking respect for other people. Aradia doesn't even know that we're back together, so she probably just thinks that he's being Mr. Sweet and Sensitive like he used to be when _they_ were dating…" He looks at you, angry tears streaming down his face. "What is so fucking wrong with me that this happens?" He leans against you and you tense just a little before wrapping your arms around him.

"Karkat there's nothing wrong with you. What happened with Terezi was… That was between her and Gamzee. And this thing with Sollux? He's an ass, plain and simple."

He sniffs and sobs, trying not to cry but failing. "Yeah, but…"

"But nothing. You and I both know that you two make better friends than partners. How many times has he hurt you, _really_ hurt you as a friend?"

He stops and thinks. "I dunno, maybe twice? But we were both being stupid then…"

"And as partners?"

He furrows his brow. "Lots."

"See? Some things just don't work out that way." You press a kiss to the top of his head. You may _want_him, but he's still your baby brother and you refuse to let him be hurt like this. "I think that some day he'll realize what he's done to you, but I doubt that his ways will ever really change…"

He looks up at you, a frown on his face. "Why?"

"Because he's even more stubborn than you is why." You smile and ruffle his hair, making him swat at you. "But I'm here for you, Karkat. I want you to know that."

He gives you a weak smile. "Thanks, Kankri. You're a dick sometimes but you're still a really good brother." He pauses. "When you want to be." He snorts and pushes you again.

You smile back at him with a roll of your eyes. "I'll take that as a compliment, Karkat." With a quick movement you ruffle his hair again but let your hand stay there, rubbing at his scalp.

His eyes search your face, apparently unsure as to why you're sitting so close or being so nice. But you've always been nice ot him haven't you? You've always sat this close. Your hand moves down, rubbing along his scalp and the skin of his neck softly before your thumb rubs at his jaw. He lets out a soft sigh, eyes closing for a moment before he cracks one open. "What are you doing?" His voice is uncharacteristically soft and it sends a shudder down your spine just to hear that tone from him.

"Just touching." You smile as he watches you. "That's okay?"

He swallows and you can feel it under your hand. "Uh, yeah. Yeah it is." His eyes dart over your face and you feel like, in this moment, you could take that leap. You could meet his lips with yours. You could abuse your brotherly trust for your selfish desires. But a pulling feeling in your gut is telling you not to. You assume that it's your conscience and it has never felt quite like this before. Karkat's eyes finally settle on yours, though you notice the crease in his thick brow. "What is it? You keep staring at me."

You swallow thickly and bite your lower lip. "It's nothing. Nothing at all." You move your hand and shift away from him, taking a long drink of your beer when you settle back. "Get your biology homework. We'll start with that." Your words turn terse and you have to remind yourself that _this is not okay_ before you pick up your books to help Karkat and take yet another drink.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He gives you another push and you snap your head to look at him.

"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me." You swallow again and look away, though you can feel the couch moving as he comes closer.

"Dude, no. I can fucking tell when there's something wrong with you." He rests his chin on your shoulder. _Not this. Not now. No no no!_ "Now it's your turn to spill the fucking beans, bro." You glance at him and his face is inches from yours. This is not what you need. Not now.

You just shake your head. "I can't tell you."

"Go on, bro, I'm all ears. This is a once in a life time offer here. No judgment or anything." He gives you a thumbs up and you take a deep breath.

With a heavy sigh you put your hand on his face again. "You promise?" His gaze turns to your hand then back to you before he gives a barely noticeable nod. "Good." You rest your forehead against his, just holding his face in your hands. This is the time. You have to do this now or never. So you close your eyes and take yours chances.

In a swift motion you lean in and press your lips to his. It's warm and perfect and you can taste his scent on him. It's so much better than you ever could have imagined. But you know that he doesn't want this. You know that this isn't right. Nevertheless you tilt your head and move your lips just ever so slightly before pulling away. You stare at him with wide eyes and shake your head before leaning back. "I'm sorry." You whisper, pushing off the couch and running for your room.

You slam the door shut behind you and lock the door. You're a horrible older brother and you should never have done that. How could you have been so ignorant of everything? But you hear a knock on the door and Karkat's voice on the other side. "Kankri?"

You swallow, unsure as to whether you should respond. But all that you say is "I'm so sorry, Karkat."

You don't get a response. Not at first. But you can still hear him breathing and that gives you just the faintest bit of hope. His voice is soft, but you can hear it. You aren't even sure if you were supposed to. "It's okay, I guess." A beat passes. "I guess I didn't really mind."

And your heart skips a beat. Hope surges through you and you can feel yourself grinning. He didn't mind. He doesn't even hate you.

You still have a chance.

_You still have your chance._


	5. Chapter 5

After you kissed him that first time, things seem to change between the two of you. He's a little co-operative in class and the next time he comes over to your apartment for his lessons, he kisses _you_ before the two of you leave the building. It's like some strange dream come true. Even though it's just a chaste, barely there kiss, like the kind he used to give you when he wasn't even in school, you relish it.

But that's the only kiss he gives to you that week. It's teasing and it only makes you want him more. You thought that, maybe, if you could kiss him it would clear everything up. That you would be able to right your mind and get this out of your system. It makes it so much worse, though. You know how his lips taste, but what about the rest of his? You want him to pin you down so you can find out. You press into you so you can know his heat.

Your dreams are filled with nothing but him. Nothing but his lithe, teenage body and you chastise yourself for it. You make sure that he never sees your excitement when he sits close to you. You have to, else you would never forgive yourself.

But two weeks after the initial kiss, he's working on his biology homework while you finish grading papers. The only sound apart from the scritching of pens and rustling of paper is the classical music that you have playing in the background. Eventually both of you have stopped writing and you hear him putting a movie in. You look over to see what it is and smile when you see that of all things he's watching the Little Mermaid.

You sit down next to him on the couch with a smile on your lips. "You used to watch this movie all the time when you were little."

He looks at you, head tilted. "Did I?"

"Yes. Father and I were convinced that if anything happened to that tape you would have thrown a fit!" You laugh softly into your hand and he just rolls his eyes.

"Yeah? Well dad said that you were the same way with Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella so you can just shut the fuck up, shit pony!" He laughs and gives you a light shove. And suddenly things feel like they used to. Back before things had gotten... _strange_. He throws barbs at you and you tease him. It's like you're young again. You've missed this playfulness between the two of you.

But when you tease him for something that you didn't even think he would get upset over, he shoves you to the floor and lands on top of you. He stares down at you and things are back to where they'd been before you'd been so happy. So playful. You can't bring yourself to close this space. You need him to do this first. To be the one to kiss you this time. But you do dare to put your hands on his face and just hold him there.

You're so glad that you do, though. He leans forward and that's it. His lips are against yours. Not just against yours but _moving_ and lingering. He lets out a soft little noise and you lose it. This is real. This is happening. Your brother is kissing you and it sounds like he's enjoying it.

But too soon he pulls back, face horrified and and mouth wide open. He shakes his head in your hands but keeps his eyes locked on yours. "Why did I _do_ that?"

You sigh and close your eyes for a moment. "I'm not sure." You open your eyes. "Did something make you want to kiss me?"

He lets out a shuddering breath and leans back. "I'm not sure. I... I think maybe?" He furrows his brow, looking away from you.

"Is there anything else you want to do?" You tilt your head, hoping and con see how conflicted he is.

"I don't know!" He grips at his hair, hanging his head with a scowl on his face. "I don't fucking know, okay? I don't know why I just kissed you. I don't know why I _wanted_ to but I fucking did!" He stares at you, face flushed. "And I maybe wouldn't be opposed if you wanted to kiss again or something." He frowns. "I feel fucking sick saying that."

You sit up and wrap your arms around him. "It's okay, Karkat. I understand." He nuzzle against his neck. "When I kissed you, you knew that it meant more than that to me didn't you?"

He swallows thickly and you and hear his heartbeat in his neck. "Yeah." His voice is hoarse and, without thinking, you press a kiss to his neck.

"Did it mean more to you?" You keep kissing his neck, relishing in the hot touch of his skin against your lips.

You feel him shuddering and his arms wrap tightly around you. "Uh, yeah. I think it did."

With a swallow of your nerves, you nip at his neck, pinching lightly at his skin. You've used this trick before. Not on him. But you know that it works on others. "Do you want more, Karkat?" You whisper against his neck.

His hand reaches up into your hair and rubs at your scalp. "Fuck... I mean..." He sighs and just tilts his head to the side. "Yes. Yes I so fucking do." His grip tightens and he lets out a bitter laugh. "I'm begging to let my older brother make out with him. I'm fucking pathetic."

"You're not." You wiggle in his grip, causing him to let go enough for you to lean back and rest your hands on his face. "Just let go. Come to my room." You lean in and press a soft kiss to his lips. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to share something like that with someone that will always love you, no matter what. And I will, Karkat. I will always love you."

His eyes widen and he looks away from you. "Uh, yeah. Thanks, I guess." He swallows and pulls away from you, hurrying to your room. You smile and follow after him. This is more than you could have anticipated. More than you could have ever wanted.

He's already stripped down to his boxers and sitting on your made bed, legs pulled up to his chest. Seeing him sitting there makes him seem to much smaller, even though he's still so much bulkier than you. With quick motions you strip down to your boxers as well and sit on the bed in front of him. Wide, sea-green eyes stare at you and he just shakes his head. "What are you going to do to me?" His face flushes when he speaks and you just raise an eyebrow.

"Do to you? Karkat, I was planning on... Maybe..." You shrug a shoulder. "Maybe having you, well..." You let out a deep sigh and he seems to get it.

"Wait were you going to fuck me?"

"What? No! I would never!" You can feel the flush spread across your face. "I'm not really, you know, um... That's not how I usually... When I... Yeah." You're at a loss for words. You're never at a loss for words but you can't get this out. Normally you're so loquacious, but the words are just _trapped_ in your throat.

Karkat once again seems to get it, though. "You want me to fuck _you_?" His eyes are wide and terrified and you just nod. "Bro I can_not_ fucking do that! I... I've never actually topped a guy before!" He scratches at his neck and you just lean forward, pressing a soft kiss to his full lips again.

"Then it's perfect. Karkat I've done this before. I can lead you through. Tell you what makes me feel good." You suddenly feel your desperation returning. "Please, Karkat, I _need_ this." You rest your hands on his shoulders and let out a needy sound in your throat.

He leans back, eying you up and he just nods. "Okay. Okay show me what to do."

You practically purr as you lean in, meeting his lips desperately again. "Of course. Here, let me lay on my back and kneel between my legs."

His face flushes darkly as the two of you move, but he listens to you. "Now what?"

"There's a bottle of lubricant and a condom in my bedside table. Grab them."

You can see that he's a little uncomfortable but he does as you tell him. He holds the bottle and foil packet in his hands and just stares at them dumbfounded. "I didn't really think that you were the type to have this kinda stuff in your room." His eyes are wide as he looks at you.

"When I was younger I wasn't. My vow was much more strict, but... I've given in to temptation and I have no regrets. Though I am still particular about who I do these things with."

He rubs at your thighs with shaking hands. "Guess that makes me special, huh?"

"You've always been special, Karkat." You smile at him, desperation growing as you wait and your already painful hardness growing as well. He just nods, though, and opens the lube, wondering what it is he has to do. "I'm rather well prepared already. Just two fingers should do before you enter me."

He bites his lip and does as you say, taking his time. "Are you sure?"

You just nod and let out a little pleased gasp when you feel his first finger enter and nod for the second. His face looks so concerned as he presses it in so you pull him down, knowing that he needs reassurance apart from your words. You kiss him deeply and the two of you moan against each other, mouths moving in open-mouthed wantonness more than a real kiss.

Once you feel ready, though, you break your mouths apart. "Karkat, I'm fine! Just... _Please_. Take me _now_." You whine under him and watch as he pulls his hand out. His nervousness is more than apparent as he tries to open the foil packet with shaking hands. After a few tries, though, he manages to pull the condom out and stretch it over his length.

He stares down at you, pupils blown out with lust. "I'm okay to...?"

"_Yes_! Go on, _please_ I _need_ this, Karkat!" You wriggle on your back, feeling more desperate and needy than you can ever remember.

Finally, though, he moves forward and you feel his tip pressing against your entrance. It makes you groan in anticipation before he starts to press into you. The stretch he puts you through forces a low moan from you and without much preparation or any warning, he's thrusting. They're quick, shallow thrusts that seem to match his temper. Everything about him is uncontrolled rage and a strange kind of strength that makes you want _more_.

Even though you could sense his trepidation at first, his face has relaxed and he's watching you just as you watch him. His intense gaze is focused on _you_ and you feel like you're the only thing in his world. Which makes you feel even more desperate.

You hold him tightly with your arms and legs while one of his arms stayed wrapped under you. The other twists around your dripping cock and moves with the same fervor of his thrusts. All of the stimulation makes you keen for him over and over. His name passes your lips and you praise him as he hits you in just the right places, while what escapes his lips is mindless strings of profanity and nonsensical phrases.

A few final, jerking thrusts brings both of you over the edge and, all too quickly, he pulls out of you to lay on his back beside you. His breaths are shaky and you can see his pulse beating through his chest. "Kankri...?"

"Hm?" You glace over at him before moving closer to him, holding him contently.

"We just fucked."

"And?"

"And..." He sighs. "I don't know. I feel the same? But different."

You sigh contently and rest your head on his shoulder. "Is it a bad different?"

"No."

"Then there really isn't a problem, right?" You smile against his skin and press a kiss to his shoulder.

"I guess not." You watch as he swallows, his eyes still focused on the ceiling. "I think I need to go home, Kankri."

You sigh sadly and move away from him. "Fine." You sit up, stretching. "Get dressed and I can take you home." You watch him as he moves, dressing quickly before you stand and do the same. Both of you leave the room and he packs his things just as quickly as he dressed, then waits for you at the door. "Do you have everything?"

"Yeah." His response is short and you can see the tension in his shoulders.

You grab your keys before slipping on your shoes. "Then let's go, I suppose." You sigh, feeling like you've messed up. Feeling like you shouldn't have done this. But you feel his hand on your shoulder and you turn to look at him. And you're glad that you do.

He presses a soft kiss to your lips, holding your face. "That was, uh, fun. Yeah. Fun." He sighs, face still flushed. "Guess we can maybe, like, do stuff later." He furrows his brow. "But if I get a boyfriend or girlfriend...!"

"Understandable." You smile and lean down, kissing him again. "Let's get you home then, shall we?"

He nods and you lead him out the door of the building.

As the evening light hits you, you let out a soft sigh. Because even in this chill, you realize that you're treading that fine line between right and wrong.

And you won't regret anything that's yet to come.


End file.
